Still waiting

I was late again today by two minutes. I tried though. Lord knows I tried. I even got up 10 minutes early. I was still two minutes late. I blame the kids. They're usually in such a frenzy to leave on time that I tend to pace myself based on their activity. Lately though, they mosey. And the next thing you know-I'm late! There really is no easy solution. It reminds me of the time I told my ex-witchster-in-law that every time I put my coffee pot in the dishwasher, it broke. She looked at me with that odious scowl and said, "Then don't put it in the dishwasher anymore." That may have seemed like the easy solution. But all it did was cause more trouble. Because not only is hand washing more work than using the dishwasher, but the memory of that heinous creature speaking down to me was more disturbing than just having to share oxygen with her at every holiday gathering. Dumb advice is one thing. But she was making an actual attempt at condescention. Her easy solution came off more like venom spittle. Ten years later, I still haven't forgotten it. And I still put the coffee pot in the dishwasher-I just situate it differently. Which is what I need to do with the tardiness issue. I need to rearrange my schedule. If Steph is in the shower, I need to be blow drying my hair, while Leah is waking up and James is getting ready downstairs. If James is searching for his shoes, Steph is straightening her hair, and Leah is getting dressed, I should be putting the finishing touches on my makeup. And if Leah is brushing her teeth, and Stephanie is eating breakfast while James is warming up the car, I need to be walking out the door. It's like a Rubiks cube. And it has nothing to do with getting up earlier, which is actually more difficult, and exactly what that heinous bag of bitchiness would have told me to do. I really, really do want to be on time for work. I like being professional. I like to look good. And I wish upon wishes that I could be on time for getting over those things that ten years later, I'm still sore about. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

Promises, promises....

I did not go to church this past Sunday. I already broke the commitment that I just made only a few days prior. That's how that goes. We make plans, commitments, and promises and then we break them. It's very difficult to stay on schedule unless you're forced to, by some threat of disciplinary action. Like work. Be here at 7:30. Well, here's what the email said. "Please ensure that you are at your first assignment when the time on the schedules state. For example, if you begin at 8:30am it is the expectation that you are at your assigned location at 8:30am. If you have questions about this please let me know." Oh crap! My assignment begins promptly at 7:30 but I can't seem to do it. 7:32, 7:33 maybe, but never 7:30. Clearly, this multi-recipient email was for me. So I replyed, "My bad...I promise to be more punctual in the future! On that note, am I to report to the office to get assignments at 7:30 or am I to report a few minutes prior and be in my classroom, with my assignments at 7:30? I know it's only a matter of a few minutes but that's usually all I have. But I'm working on it. I promise.... Terese" A few minutes later, my phone rings. "Terese, I just read your email. I'm confused. Are you saying that you've been coming in late? I hadn't noticed. That email wasn't directed at you, but thank you anyway, for getting yourself in trouble." What???? I had a similar incident at the hospital last night. I tried skating out a little early, and ran, with my coat on and toting my backpack, straight into a supervisor. I cringed with embarrassment. But funny thing; a co-worker, sensing my dread, stepped up and broke into the most deliteful litany of reasons why I not only should not be disciplined, but rather promoted-an action that surely, a man of this supervisor's stature could achieve if he would only open his eyes and recognize the value of this underappreciated talent that was me! Imagine my disbelief when the boss started to defend himself! I stood there in stupor as the two went back and forth, a tango of debate focused on my merits and my supervisor's limitations. It was hysterical! Afterward, the the super asked me if I was truly that unhappy. Funny thing is, I'm not unhappy at all. I was just leaving early. Broken commitments. It doesn't mean you don't care. It sometimes just means that something else got in the way. And yet it bothers me. What if the commitment was me? What if the broken promise was the one that I believed in? The "something" that got in the way looks like a terrorist. The Osama Bin Laden of your hopes and dreams. And the breaker of the promises looks like a politician, a self serving liar, abuser of your trust. Would I rather they'd never committed at all? Of course not. I just wish that I was a little more important. A little less convenient to forget. But maybe that's what makes people outstanding- a promise kept, a commitment met, a goal acheived. Not letting that something else get in the way. That's what makes people unforgettable. I'm really going to try. I promise....

Halleluia!

So i'm feeling pretty confident that I have most things figured out. I have my kids, my jobs, my house. I have a clear understanding of who I am and what I DON'T want. But when it comes to spirituality and religion, maybe I'm still just a little confused. Being raised Catholic, I was definitely given a very clear set of principles and standards to live by. But being raised imperfectly Catholic also fostered some doubts in my mind. I, like most everyone I know, I think, accept the parts of the Bible that work for me, or that I can make work for me, and reject the parts that don't. (I said most everyone.) I do think that religion is a good thing but I also understand the danger of its power. Now that I am single, I get lots of invitations to attend different churches. There must be a profound joy involved in bringing guests in to worship. That or there are a lot of people who feel very sorry for me at the moment. I usually decline the invitations, with the explanation that, like relationships, the last one didn't work out for me and I'm not in a hurry to replace it. But I am ready to explore, if for no other reason, than to educate myself; to get clear on what I really believe, and to make reasonable goals for myself. I already know what I don't want. I need to know what I do want. So beginning today, I will be visiting local churches with friends. If I get an invite, I'll go. I even plan on looking up some old invites. And maybe even requesting invites. But today, I visited a Pentacostal church with one of my very favorite women friends. Her faith and spirituality are so honest and so refreshing, that you can't help but be inspired by her every time she speaks. She was very persistent that I join her at church and I have to admit. I was curious. So I went. My first impression wasn't great. The pastor was a beer bellied rocker who bounced around the altar and waved a hanky through the air when he wasn't using it to wipe sweat from his face. Halfway through the service, and not a word of scripture -just a lot of singing from a man who was lovin' the spotlight, I was skeptical. But I had to remember that my amazing friend, who was happy as a lark at that moment, had been a member of this church for 50 years! And she was very well adjusted, not to mention, an exemplary role model. She explained to me that the pastor was a "new Christian." and by that, she meant 15 years saved, which is actually "better than an original Christian because their struggles are that much more profound." I guess I could see her point. Kinda. But where was the scripture? Shouldn't this be about The Good Word and not a rock concert, written, performed, and dedicated to The Word? And just as I was thinking it, there it was. "Watch your mouth." "You can talk life or you can talk death. Your words are powerful. Watch your mouth." Oh boy. Wasn't I just saying in a previous blog, that it's really okay to speak your mind, even in criticism? Then he said that many religious leaders are just performers and that he wasn't merely performing, but talking life, singing life, teaching life. Essentially, what he told me was that I was talking death by being verbally critical. And he told me that he, himself was committed to walking the walk. Talking life. Only positives. Now I gotta tell ya, that's almost revulsive to me. But what the heck? Maybe I'll try it. Watch my mouth. Oh Lord. It's gonna be a long day.... Interesting.

When karma's unkind

Is it ever okay to take joy in the misfortune of others? Is it okay to express that joy? On Facebook? Well, yes. And yes. And yes-if you want your ass kicked. Working with (and living with) young adults, I hear it all of the time. Karma is only acceptable if it's pleasant karma. It's an unspoken law. Taking satisfaction, or acknowledging the presence of consequence is not proper etiquette and is punishable by violence, which is retalitory karma and therefore, justifiable. It gives the bullies a reason. I'm a firm believer that when bad things happen to bad people, the result is good. Negative plus negative equals positve. So why not rejoice? Of course I am careful about with whom I share my delight. Now I do understand that good behavior, bad behavior, and even neutral behavior are subjective. I also understand that Facebook is a festival of fun for catty, cowardly (but seemingly courageous) displays. And it has become common practice to avoid drama by only posting niceties. But life's not like that. And sometimes, just sometimes, people do get what they deserve. Hallefrickenluia! I don't mean to sound like a Republican. And sometimes, I worry about sounding like a Democrat. Sometimes, I wish that I had my own political party, a mix of the best qualities of every party, wrapped up into my own idea of perfect. But all we get is all we get. And it's okay not to like it. It's okay to say that you don't. And it's even okay to get a little giddy when the rotten get got. Just maybe not on Facebook.

Unwanted

All of my life I have channeled my energies on getting the things that I want. 50 years of of striving for the things that I depended on for my happiness have enlightened me to this one truth. It ain't gonna happen. And so I have decided to adjust the focus to the things that I do not want. Interestingly, I am enjoying a much higher success rate with this logic than the prior one. Here is what I do not want in my life. I don't want to be disrespected. I know that I'm not always right, or the smartest or the best at anything I do. I get that. But I don't want to be discounted because of that. I don't want to compete. I have a place in life. It's not the best, but it's mine. I work hard for it. I don't want to have to fight for it. I don't want to be lied to. I only place this in a category outside of disrespct because I acknowledge the school of thought that "Not all lies are disrespectful." But all deceit is a show of disrespect and although I understand that not all humans (very few, infact) are diplomatic enough to always , without fail, deliver the truth with sensitivity and integrity, I do not want people in my life who can't even hope to come close. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship that isn't exclusive. One man, one woman-period. Again, I don't want to compete. I don't want to be unemployed, I don't want to be underemployed. I don't want to depend on a boyfriend, a husband, or a mother to support me. I don't want my children to lose hope. I don't want a yard without flowers or a house without a cat. I don't want to be too hot, too cold, too fat, too thin. I don't want to be unattractive. I don't want to date anyone who is more attracted to a different look. I don't want to change. All of my life, I have hoped to find my happiness by obtaining things. But through the opposite, the process of elimination, I am learning that the things that I thought I wanted, weren't really what I wanted at all. There is nothing so sweet in life as freedom, peace, and peace of mind. It just feels good. And feeling good is good enough for me.