Taking off the gloves.

I work with 8th and 9th grade students in the disciplinary division of a middle school. That, in itself, is a bit of irony since I am not known for my strengths as a disiplinarian. Rather, the opposite. Oddly enough, it seems to work well here. Most of the students come to me because they have been reprimanded for instances of fighting. Fighting is very popular at this age and although it seems to diminish when the students move on to high school, it appears as if it is a rite of passage that simply cannot be avoided on the journey to adulthood. They love to fight. My job, specifically, is to administer consequenses. Horrible, regret-inducuing consequenses. More often than not, though, the students report that they enjoy spending time in my classroom and look forward to revisiting. It would appear that I am defeating my purpose. But not really. The truth is, the students who are the most common repeat offenders are going to be repeat offenders, regardless of the quality of their stay in the suspension room. Traditional punishment doesn't work. It is never my intent to make the suspension room a comfortable place, but rather, a safe place- a haven. We don't fight here. I don't fight. If a student refuses to co-operate, I infuse a lesson into the refusal. I give them choices. You may do this or you may do this but you may not create a hostile or disruptive environment for the other students. In return, no one may create that for you. I do not challenge them with my authority. In fact, I am fast to point out that I have many weaknesses myself, that my life is constantly a struggle and sometimes, I need to accept that there is plenty of room for improvement. I make lots of mistakes. Sometimes, I have to remove a student. But rather than being a badge of honor that they can display to fellow students, it presents itself as more of embarrassment. It's pretty difficult to get kicked out of the In House room and who would want to? There are several students who stop by the classroom every day, just to say hello. Some ask to stay. Maybe that's not the way it should be but I don't hear the administration complaining. I treat these people the way that I would like to be treated. And at the end of the day I know what I want-a day that I don't have to fight.

Just thinking.

Today I was thinking about how lucky I am. Four hours sleep and I need new tires and my clothes are feeling tight and there's so much housework to do, but man, I know I'm lucky. I'm lucky because I do have two jobs and a car that runs and a house that's warm and some kids. When the ex starts bitching, I can just hang up and yes, it gets lonely but I'm never alone and I could have someone if I wanted but I think I'd like to wait. I think I'll buy a camera, one with a great big lens, but what do I know about lenses-I'll just ask my friend and I know that he'll help me and isn't that the glory that you can ask and they can help and you're both bettter for it in the end? Even the most unruly student in my classroom is sweet today. He's resting on his desk, like a fallen leaf. I let him do this because he needs it and because it's nice to see him still. Tomorrow is another day. I'll take this while I can. My mother is coming over after work and though I'm too tired to visit, I'm happy that she's coming because she wants to give me cookies and I want to take them, if for no other reason than a chance to show gratitude but also because they taste good. And I don't want to go to the store. For dinner, maybe we'll have pizza. No reason for cooking when Little Ceasers does it just fine and everybody likes pizza. Even the kids. They don't do dishes. And neither will I. I'm lucky.

Big fat lie

My friend is dating the man of her dreams. They recently became lovers. But there were stipulations. She is not to expect anything. Not exclusivity, not companionship. Not even a phone call. Nothing. And she agreed. Wholeheartedly-she agreed. So now, he knows that it's okay because she assured him it was okay. But let me tell you something. I know what she told him. And I know what she told me. And it's NOT okay. She doesn't expect him to waltz in and out of her life as he pleases, bringing nothing but his manhood to the occasional table. Not by a long shot. I'm not even gonna tell you you what she's hoping for, but it's a far cry away. And that's not what she told him. I am here to tell you that no matter what anyone says, it's not okay to disrespect another person. You wouldn't want it done to you. Even if you say you would. You may not mind a casual, heartless relationship with someone, but not if you're in love with that person. You wouldn't want it. And I know that. We're not so very different-you and I, and neither are you and my friend, or my friend's friend or you and my friend's friend and I and my friend. None of us want to be treated that way. He should have let her go. Instead of insisting on free sex at no cost ever, no guilt, no repercussions, no drama, no tears, no midnight phone calls, no regret- he should have let her go. But he didn't. 'Cause the man of her dreams is not really a dream at all. He's an opportunistic, self centered creep. My friend just got the man that she wanted. And I feel sorry for her.

Cold

Maybe because it's cold. But today I'm feeling horrible. Everything horrible. I positively detest cowards and maybe more than the weather, that's what's got me in a funk. If I could have the superpower of my choice, it would be to reflect to others, their true selves. What devastation I could do with that. I hate being silenced. I'm not silenced. But I feel like I should be, to keep the peace. What peace? There is no peace. Silence and denial never helped anyone. Unless it's a lie. Then you may as well shut up. Because a bitter silence is better than a beautiful lie. But that's what cowards do. They lie.And I hate those bastards.

Oh really?

Truly, I'm bugged. My 17 year old daughter snaps to me, "Mom, I'm NOT a feminist like you!" Oh really? Bet me. Let anyone play favoritism to her twin brother, based on thier sexes. Let anyone tell her how to dress or what to think or how a nice girl should behave, Not that she's not a nice girl. She most definitely is. But I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't take kindly to someone telling her that she has to stay home, make babies and take orders from a man (who may or may not be a womanizer, a drunk, a criminal, an abuser, or all of the above. I'm pretty sure that she wouldn't want to date someone who stands her up in an patriarcal attempt to establish control. She says she's not a feminist because she doesn't want to be negatively labled. But she's only 17. I still have hope for her. On the other hand, there are some-self proclaimed feminists that I would never want to be associated with. The pro-porn feminists do more damage to society than sometimes the men who abuse them. The breast-feeder bullies have got the sisters afraid to go back to work, for fear of being labled a bad mom. Labels, labels, lables. Is that all it takes to scare you? And what about the men? I've seen decent, well mannered men regress into Hyde-like monsters the minute another male enters the room. Wouldn't want to be mistaken for being whipped. Seriously? Is that all it takes? I wish that people would just be true. Being a good person doesn't mean that you HAVE to follow popular opinion. To be a good person, one doesn't have to follow anything. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being a leader. Even if it sometimes looks like no one's following. And sometimes it does. But that's okay, unless they're blind, I know they see me. Or at the very least they hear me, when I stop and I laugh and they say, "I'm not that," and I look at their face and say, "Bet me."

Still waiting

I was late again today by two minutes. I tried though. Lord knows I tried. I even got up 10 minutes early. I was still two minutes late. I blame the kids. They're usually in such a frenzy to leave on time that I tend to pace myself based on their activity. Lately though, they mosey. And the next thing you know-I'm late! There really is no easy solution. It reminds me of the time I told my ex-witchster-in-law that every time I put my coffee pot in the dishwasher, it broke. She looked at me with that odious scowl and said, "Then don't put it in the dishwasher anymore." That may have seemed like the easy solution. But all it did was cause more trouble. Because not only is hand washing more work than using the dishwasher, but the memory of that heinous creature speaking down to me was more disturbing than just having to share oxygen with her at every holiday gathering. Dumb advice is one thing. But she was making an actual attempt at condescention. Her easy solution came off more like venom spittle. Ten years later, I still haven't forgotten it. And I still put the coffee pot in the dishwasher-I just situate it differently. Which is what I need to do with the tardiness issue. I need to rearrange my schedule. If Steph is in the shower, I need to be blow drying my hair, while Leah is waking up and James is getting ready downstairs. If James is searching for his shoes, Steph is straightening her hair, and Leah is getting dressed, I should be putting the finishing touches on my makeup. And if Leah is brushing her teeth, and Stephanie is eating breakfast while James is warming up the car, I need to be walking out the door. It's like a Rubiks cube. And it has nothing to do with getting up earlier, which is actually more difficult, and exactly what that heinous bag of bitchiness would have told me to do. I really, really do want to be on time for work. I like being professional. I like to look good. And I wish upon wishes that I could be on time for getting over those things that ten years later, I'm still sore about. They say time heals everything, but I'm still waiting.

Promises, promises....

I did not go to church this past Sunday. I already broke the commitment that I just made only a few days prior. That's how that goes. We make plans, commitments, and promises and then we break them. It's very difficult to stay on schedule unless you're forced to, by some threat of disciplinary action. Like work. Be here at 7:30. Well, here's what the email said. "Please ensure that you are at your first assignment when the time on the schedules state. For example, if you begin at 8:30am it is the expectation that you are at your assigned location at 8:30am. If you have questions about this please let me know." Oh crap! My assignment begins promptly at 7:30 but I can't seem to do it. 7:32, 7:33 maybe, but never 7:30. Clearly, this multi-recipient email was for me. So I replyed, "My bad...I promise to be more punctual in the future! On that note, am I to report to the office to get assignments at 7:30 or am I to report a few minutes prior and be in my classroom, with my assignments at 7:30? I know it's only a matter of a few minutes but that's usually all I have. But I'm working on it. I promise.... Terese" A few minutes later, my phone rings. "Terese, I just read your email. I'm confused. Are you saying that you've been coming in late? I hadn't noticed. That email wasn't directed at you, but thank you anyway, for getting yourself in trouble." What???? I had a similar incident at the hospital last night. I tried skating out a little early, and ran, with my coat on and toting my backpack, straight into a supervisor. I cringed with embarrassment. But funny thing; a co-worker, sensing my dread, stepped up and broke into the most deliteful litany of reasons why I not only should not be disciplined, but rather promoted-an action that surely, a man of this supervisor's stature could achieve if he would only open his eyes and recognize the value of this underappreciated talent that was me! Imagine my disbelief when the boss started to defend himself! I stood there in stupor as the two went back and forth, a tango of debate focused on my merits and my supervisor's limitations. It was hysterical! Afterward, the the super asked me if I was truly that unhappy. Funny thing is, I'm not unhappy at all. I was just leaving early. Broken commitments. It doesn't mean you don't care. It sometimes just means that something else got in the way. And yet it bothers me. What if the commitment was me? What if the broken promise was the one that I believed in? The "something" that got in the way looks like a terrorist. The Osama Bin Laden of your hopes and dreams. And the breaker of the promises looks like a politician, a self serving liar, abuser of your trust. Would I rather they'd never committed at all? Of course not. I just wish that I was a little more important. A little less convenient to forget. But maybe that's what makes people outstanding- a promise kept, a commitment met, a goal acheived. Not letting that something else get in the way. That's what makes people unforgettable. I'm really going to try. I promise....

Halleluia!

So i'm feeling pretty confident that I have most things figured out. I have my kids, my jobs, my house. I have a clear understanding of who I am and what I DON'T want. But when it comes to spirituality and religion, maybe I'm still just a little confused. Being raised Catholic, I was definitely given a very clear set of principles and standards to live by. But being raised imperfectly Catholic also fostered some doubts in my mind. I, like most everyone I know, I think, accept the parts of the Bible that work for me, or that I can make work for me, and reject the parts that don't. (I said most everyone.) I do think that religion is a good thing but I also understand the danger of its power. Now that I am single, I get lots of invitations to attend different churches. There must be a profound joy involved in bringing guests in to worship. That or there are a lot of people who feel very sorry for me at the moment. I usually decline the invitations, with the explanation that, like relationships, the last one didn't work out for me and I'm not in a hurry to replace it. But I am ready to explore, if for no other reason, than to educate myself; to get clear on what I really believe, and to make reasonable goals for myself. I already know what I don't want. I need to know what I do want. So beginning today, I will be visiting local churches with friends. If I get an invite, I'll go. I even plan on looking up some old invites. And maybe even requesting invites. But today, I visited a Pentacostal church with one of my very favorite women friends. Her faith and spirituality are so honest and so refreshing, that you can't help but be inspired by her every time she speaks. She was very persistent that I join her at church and I have to admit. I was curious. So I went. My first impression wasn't great. The pastor was a beer bellied rocker who bounced around the altar and waved a hanky through the air when he wasn't using it to wipe sweat from his face. Halfway through the service, and not a word of scripture -just a lot of singing from a man who was lovin' the spotlight, I was skeptical. But I had to remember that my amazing friend, who was happy as a lark at that moment, had been a member of this church for 50 years! And she was very well adjusted, not to mention, an exemplary role model. She explained to me that the pastor was a "new Christian." and by that, she meant 15 years saved, which is actually "better than an original Christian because their struggles are that much more profound." I guess I could see her point. Kinda. But where was the scripture? Shouldn't this be about The Good Word and not a rock concert, written, performed, and dedicated to The Word? And just as I was thinking it, there it was. "Watch your mouth." "You can talk life or you can talk death. Your words are powerful. Watch your mouth." Oh boy. Wasn't I just saying in a previous blog, that it's really okay to speak your mind, even in criticism? Then he said that many religious leaders are just performers and that he wasn't merely performing, but talking life, singing life, teaching life. Essentially, what he told me was that I was talking death by being verbally critical. And he told me that he, himself was committed to walking the walk. Talking life. Only positives. Now I gotta tell ya, that's almost revulsive to me. But what the heck? Maybe I'll try it. Watch my mouth. Oh Lord. It's gonna be a long day.... Interesting.

When karma's unkind

Is it ever okay to take joy in the misfortune of others? Is it okay to express that joy? On Facebook? Well, yes. And yes. And yes-if you want your ass kicked. Working with (and living with) young adults, I hear it all of the time. Karma is only acceptable if it's pleasant karma. It's an unspoken law. Taking satisfaction, or acknowledging the presence of consequence is not proper etiquette and is punishable by violence, which is retalitory karma and therefore, justifiable. It gives the bullies a reason. I'm a firm believer that when bad things happen to bad people, the result is good. Negative plus negative equals positve. So why not rejoice? Of course I am careful about with whom I share my delight. Now I do understand that good behavior, bad behavior, and even neutral behavior are subjective. I also understand that Facebook is a festival of fun for catty, cowardly (but seemingly courageous) displays. And it has become common practice to avoid drama by only posting niceties. But life's not like that. And sometimes, just sometimes, people do get what they deserve. Hallefrickenluia! I don't mean to sound like a Republican. And sometimes, I worry about sounding like a Democrat. Sometimes, I wish that I had my own political party, a mix of the best qualities of every party, wrapped up into my own idea of perfect. But all we get is all we get. And it's okay not to like it. It's okay to say that you don't. And it's even okay to get a little giddy when the rotten get got. Just maybe not on Facebook.

Unwanted

All of my life I have channeled my energies on getting the things that I want. 50 years of of striving for the things that I depended on for my happiness have enlightened me to this one truth. It ain't gonna happen. And so I have decided to adjust the focus to the things that I do not want. Interestingly, I am enjoying a much higher success rate with this logic than the prior one. Here is what I do not want in my life. I don't want to be disrespected. I know that I'm not always right, or the smartest or the best at anything I do. I get that. But I don't want to be discounted because of that. I don't want to compete. I have a place in life. It's not the best, but it's mine. I work hard for it. I don't want to have to fight for it. I don't want to be lied to. I only place this in a category outside of disrespct because I acknowledge the school of thought that "Not all lies are disrespectful." But all deceit is a show of disrespect and although I understand that not all humans (very few, infact) are diplomatic enough to always , without fail, deliver the truth with sensitivity and integrity, I do not want people in my life who can't even hope to come close. I don't want to be in a romantic relationship that isn't exclusive. One man, one woman-period. Again, I don't want to compete. I don't want to be unemployed, I don't want to be underemployed. I don't want to depend on a boyfriend, a husband, or a mother to support me. I don't want my children to lose hope. I don't want a yard without flowers or a house without a cat. I don't want to be too hot, too cold, too fat, too thin. I don't want to be unattractive. I don't want to date anyone who is more attracted to a different look. I don't want to change. All of my life, I have hoped to find my happiness by obtaining things. But through the opposite, the process of elimination, I am learning that the things that I thought I wanted, weren't really what I wanted at all. There is nothing so sweet in life as freedom, peace, and peace of mind. It just feels good. And feeling good is good enough for me.

Foreskins in a jar.

Look at this. Positions of medical associations Australasia As of 2010, the Royal Australasian College of Physicians state: "After reviewing the currently available evidence, the RACP believes that the frequency of diseases modifiable by circumcision, the level of protection offered by circumcision and the complication rates of circumcision do not warrant routine infant circumcision in Australia and New Zealand. However it is reasonable for parents to weigh the benefits and risks of circumcision and to make the decision whether or not to circumcise their sons."[139] Canada The Fetus and Newborn Committee of the Canadian Paediatric Society posted "Neonatal circumcision revisited" in 1996 and "Circumcision: Information for Parents" in November 2004. The 1996 position statement says that "circumcision of newborns should not be routinely performed",[138] and the 2004 information to parents says: 'Circumcision is a "non-therapeutic" procedure, which means it is not medically necessary. Parents who decide to circumcise their newborns often do so for religious, social, or cultural reasons. [. . .] After reviewing the scientific evidence for and against circumcision, the CPS does not recommend routine circumcision for newborn boys. Many paediatricians no longer perform circumcisions.'[42] Finland The Finnish Medical Association opposes circumcision of infants for non-medical reasons, arguing that circumcision does not bring about any medical benefits and it may risk the health of the infant as well as his right to physical integrity, because he is not able to make the decision himself. The association emphasizes that according to the Finnish constitution, the parents' freedom of religion and conscience does not produce the right to violate other people's (children's) right to physical integrity.[183] Germany In Germany, in 2008, the German Association for Pediatric Surgery cautioned surgeons against allowing the ordering of the procedure for what could appear to be non-medical reasons.[184] International The World Health Organization and UNAIDS currently recommend circumcision as part of a comprehensive program for prevention of HIV transmission in areas with high endemic rates of HIV.[18] The Netherlands In the Netherlands, the Royal Dutch Medical Association (KNMG) stated in 2010 that non-therapeutic male circumcision "conflicts with the child's right to autonomy and physical integrity." They called on doctors to inform caregivers seeking the intervention of the (in their assessment) medical and psychological risks and lack of convincing medical benefits. They stated that there are as good reasons for legal prohibition of male circumcision as exist for female genital mutilation (FGM).[24] United Kingdom There is a spectrum of views within the BMA’s membership about whether non-therapeutic male circumcision is a beneficial, neutral or harmful procedure or whether it is superfluous, and whether it should ever be done on a child who is not capable of deciding for himself. Moreover, the Association states that “there is significant disagreement about whether circumcision is overall a beneficial, neutral or harmful procedure. At present, the medical literature on the health, including sexual health, implications of circumcision is contradictory, and often subject to claims of bias in research.”[23] As a general rule, the BMA believe that “parents should be entitled to make choices about how best to promote their children’s interests, and it is for society to decide what limits should be imposed on parental choices.” They also state that “both parents [...] must give consent for non-therapeutic circumcision”, and that parents and children should be provided with up-to-date written information about the risks involved.[23] The BMA state that parents should be informed about the lack of consensus within the medical profession with regard to the potential health benefits of non-therapeutic circumcision, adding that they consider the evidence for such benefits to be insufficient as the sole reason for carrying out a circumcision.[23 United States In a 2012 position statement, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) stated that a systematic evaluation of the medical literature shows that the "preventive health benefits of elective circumcision of male newborns outweigh the risks of the procedure". According to the statement, the "health benefits are not great enough to recommend routine circumcision for all male newborns" but "are sufficient to justify access to this procedure for families choosing it and to warrant third-party payment for circumcision of male newborns." The AAP takes the position that parents should make the final decision about circumcision, after appropriate information is gathered about the risks and benefits of the procedure.[185] The above statement was also endorsed by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.[185] In 2011, the AMA released policy statements that parents should be given the opportunity to make an informed choice regarding circumcision for their infant sons,[186] and opposing attempts to make circumcision illegal.[187] The American Academy of Family Physicians (2007) recognizes the controversy surrounding circumcision and recommends that physicians "discuss the potential harms and benefits of circumcision with all parents or legal guardians considering this procedure for their newborn son." The American Urological Association (2007) stated that neonatal circumcision has potential medical benefits and advantages as well as disadvantages and risks, stating that "while the results of studies in African nations may not necessarily be extrapolated to men in the United States at risk for HIV infection, the American Urological Association recommends that circumcision should be presented as an option for health benefits. Circumcision should not be offered as the only strategy for HIV risk reduction. Other methods of HIV risk reduction, including safe sexual practices, should be emphasized."[188] Now read this... "The most disturbing and alarming [controversy] is in the unethical trafficking of neonate foreskins. Not only do parents of North American baby boys have to pay between $200 to $300 to obstetricians to circumcise their boys that no sooner are the circumcised foreskins cut off that they are sold on to bio-engineering and cosmetics companies by the hospitals. The resale value of neonate foreskins is astronomically dizzying in that from one boy’s foreskin can be grown bio-engineered skin in a lab to the size of a football field. That’s 4 acres of new skin or around 200,000 units of manufactured skin, which is enough skin to cover about 250 people and sells at $3,000 a square foot. Considering that there are 1.25 million neonate foreskins circumcised each year in the U.S alone this translates to one of the most lucrative trades, if not THE most lucrative trade in human body parts ever in the history of humanity." I was conversing with the most intelligent group of women that I know this afternoon. I was shocked to learn that they stood firmly on their belief that circumcision is a necessary procedure. Although I wasn't prepared and made an admittedly weak case, I implied that the American public was being deceived into donating body parts for the profit of giant industries. My lady friends would not even entertain the notion that I might be right. This worries me. A lot of things worry me. What used to look like intelligence sometimes looks like trendy. What used to look like lunacy sometimes looks like intelligence. Sinners look like saints and saints look like satin. Do we eat meat or don't we? Why does any creature eat any creature? Is this a question of compassion or one of sacrilege? Sometimes I feel crazy. And I wonder if what I did, when I allowed the circumcision of my son, was the right thing to do. And I'm not afraid to tell you that I don't really believe that it was. And I'm not afraid to admit that if circumcision wasn't so commonly expected as the norm, I would have given it more thought. But I didn't. I behaved like a sheep. A sheep in America. Waiting for a shepherd who will only take a few. Isn't it funny? We want to be a part of the crowd. The big crowd. But in the end, He only takes a few. Think about it.

7 Universal Truths

Universal Truth # 1 You would need to burn more calories than you consume in order to lose weight. There are no secrets. Universal Truth #2 People who claim to accept bisexuality are usually quick to demonize infidelity. What they don't realize is that bisexuality, by definition, indicates infidelity. The moment the bisexual person commits and adheres to a monogamous relationship, they become either gay or straight. Universal Truth #3 Deception in any form is dishonest. A lie does not need to be verbal. An indiscretion does not need to be epic. Universal Truth #4 Conspiracies do exist. The fact they appear unimaginable only adds to the ease at which they can be performed. Universal Truth #5 George W. Bush is far more dangerous than Charles Manson. Universal Truth #6 Women DO make as much money as men. Depending on who they sleep with. Universal Truth #7 Nothing is really true. Except for Pluto, which is a dwarf planet.

In about 5 months, I'll be turning 50. I need to remember that. I need to remember that my thoughts aren't youthful, that my mind isn't fresh, that I've been around the block. Some arguments are not mine to have, simply because I already know the outcome. I've already been there. And other things, I'm finally figuring out. Took me long enough. What I do know is that nobody wants to read a blog unless you have interesting information to share. No one wants to read your journal or hear your plans for the afternoon. People claim they don't want to read negativity or drama, but when you look at television ratings, it would seem that they love it. They just want to love it in private. People love trendy. I'm not very trendy. I'm 50. I've noticed that the words "poop" and "pee" have become commonplace and even, to my horror, acceptable medical terminology. The nurses in the hospital where I work, as a custodian (which generally doesn't bother me, but sometimes downright makes me mad)use these words to communicate with the new mothers (who, by the way, are older than 10)and even chart the words in their medical records. I suppose it's a step above "piss" and "shit" but I suspect that that's on it's way. Bottle feeding is quickly becoming the big taboo because supposed studies have shown that breast feeding is better than bottle feeding. ??? So? Studies haven't shown that bottle feeding does damage, so what's the deal? Breast feeding may be better but bottle feeding is also a wonderful option and should not be shunned. What should probably be taboo is drugs, alcohol, and bulimia while breastfeeding, in which case, bottle feeding is better. Am I wrong? But there I go, journaling when I am trying to inform. I recently deactivated my Facebook account, which was a very good move on my part because it was causing me a lot of stress. The problem is that I constantly find myself wanting to share a funny story or post an idea but I don't have that outlet.I did a search for social networking sites and found that the top 3 are Facebook, Twitter, and Linkedin. I'm thinking that social networking might work better if done in person instead of online. But I'm 50. I really don't want to go to the bar unless the purpose is anything other than meeting new people. Entertainment needs to do some evolving. And so does the human race. But again- 50. I forget. I've been around the block. I've already done quite a bit of emotional and mental evolving. I'm ready for the rest of it. The rest of my life, with my baggage on my back. It's not too heavy to carry-I just don't really want any more of it. I'm 50. I need to remember that.